Gods. Would You Look at That.

It's been over two years since I published my post "It's About the Journey, Not the End."

And oh my gosh, that was such an emotional time for me. I was totally wrecked. I felt broken and afraid. I questioned a lot of things. Looking back at all the diary entries I'd written and the letters I'd torn up and the pictures I'd deleted, it stuns me that I was in a place so low not too long ago, it seems.

And yet.

I'm here today.

Today I'm sitting at my giant corner desk trying to follow the schedule I said I hated. There's a mug of water on my right and a bottle of Naked juice on my left. And I'm remembering all the things I'm doing and have done since I wrote that desperate post. I scored a 5 on my AP French exam and got a great score on my SAT. I went through seven months of migraines and dizziness and eye doctors and glasses and vision therapy. (That drama deserves its own post.) I have a royalcore study music playlist with the best soft, pretty classical music I listen to while studying, which I usually do to a Pomodoro timer over Zoom calls with my closest friends. I chopped off over a foot of my hair. I rediscovered kaju katli, strung up some fairy lights, and got a 24-inch iMac desktop and a Magic Keyboard and the Magic Mouse and the trackpad. I got my nails done for the first time. I made it, sweaty and tired and nearly broken all over again, through the school year. I started a notebook in which I write down some lessons for whomever I might give the book to decades in the future. There's summer-afternoon sunlight shining through my window right now. I celebrated my birthday. I blocked someone really toxic whom I'd been driving myself crazy trying to defend in my head. I started a poetry account. I convinced my mom to cut my hair into these beautiful layers. I am addicted to my All Too Well scarf. Philippine, my favorite French singer, told me she loved my English translations of "C'est beau, c'est toi" and "N'importe quoi" and even shared it on her Instagram story. I have a personal mini heater and a pen jar and a polaroid camera and an adorable dog and a bag of Ghirardelli mint chocolates. I have a backpack collection and paper clips and pushpins and my APENG (AP English Language and Composition) class and my APES (AP Environmental Science) classes were so. Much. Fun.

And even still things are far from perfect, but... gods. Would you look at that. I have so much. I have so much to be grateful for. I have so many people to thank for pulling me out of that dark, dark, dark place I was in.

I have come so far.

And there's still so far to go, but... but... I feel like I can do it. I feel like I might not do it. I feel like I have proof that someone somewhere up in the stars is on my side. I feel like this feeling won't last. I feel like I understand why I'm here, in whatever we want to call this illusion, this world, this almost-fantasy.

I just... gods. Would you look at that. I'm... y'all, I'm feeling again.

I feel. Like. I'm loved by someone somewhere somehow.

I feel like I want you to feel free to use me as evidence that things can and do get better. I want you to know that I'm okay, and you're okay, and it's okay, and it's okay, and it's okay.

It will all be okay. You can trust me on this one. And these are words I never thought I'd say - it feels like these are words every now-healed person says to every healing person who never believes it. I used to hate when people told me this... but they were right.

And we all know I'm always right, so trust me on this.

You'll be okay.