Worth It

Hmm... What do you call it when you don't often take pictures of yourself because you think it would be way cuter if someone you were close to filled up their camera roll with photos of you?

So anyways, I want to talk about self-worth.

I used to keep a diary up until high school, when I became convinced that writing down my thoughts was a horrible idea. The sole reason it seemed such an embarrassing, unnecessary ordeal was because I was going through a period of staggering self-doubt when I became certain that my experiences were not worthy of being remembered. My feelings did not deserve to be reflected upon, and they were not good enough to be read about. At least, that's what I believed at the time. And I have grown so much emotionally in the past few years, but sometimes that hopelessness crashes into me again, and I stop writing down my feelings and I shy away from cameras in the hope that maybe I can forget myself.

Ouch. I know. And since I can't yell at my past self, I will instead intimidate all of you into learning from my mistakes.

Don't. You. Dare. Forget. Who. You. Are.

And when I say don't forget, I mean remember. I mean keep receipts. I mean start a journal - just grab an old math notebook and scramble down your thoughts. When I say don't forget, I mean take selfies and write poetry and hang up your artwork and remember who you are and all that you have done and everything you are worth. When I say don't forget, I mean make memories by fighting your battles and celebrating the things you love so you can look back and remind yourself what a remarkable human being you are.

I don't like taking pictures of myself because a part of me doesn't want there to be evidence of... well, me. Someone else photographing me is more easily digestible because it gives me external validation of my right to take up space in other people's lives. Because I know that memories are such a huge defining factor in how we see ourselves: others look back on us fondly or with hatred, we judge or celebrate our own journeys, and we remember people we like or don't like and hope that they know how we feel about them, and they do the same to us. That's why I think taking memory matters into our own hands is so important: if you document your life, you have a reason to make it worth remembering. In the end, it's the memories you hold on to that inform your view of yourself - the most important perspective of all.

As Taylor Swift said in her song "Long Live" (you didn't think I'd end this rant without quoting the queen of putting feelings into words, did you?), "Hold on to spinning around / Confetti falls to the ground / May these memories break our fall / Will you take a moment?"

So, if you could take a moment, and just take a deep breath and scroll through that cluttered memory of yours - I hope you find some memories that glow, some that stick out, some that make you cringe or laugh or burst with pride. Because they all came together to create you, and that makes them worth everything in the world. I know that now. I hope you remember it too - I hope you start saving those memories, making them tangible. Because you are worth it.