wings

i turn in time to see you fall, and you reach up to help me break.

i turn entirely for you. i can never just give it a break - you are sunshine when i want time - i - i - i’m your telepathic skyline - and you are sunshine when i want mine. where did it go wrong when i never knew, when i was gambling for more? where were you so long when i needed to hold you and barricade the door? i was your first vote - you - you - you were my lifeboat - you sank me - where for wilderness’ sake are we again if conversion is a chore?

family is fighting and fated friends, but i let myself unlace fingers and leave the room. yours is not breaking like mine - i laugh and break a leg - i hate myself now because your shoulder resents having to bear the weight of my head - if i cannot succeed, i am nothing.

pianomagicianteacherelectrician you took all the hurt away.

you made it all okay - you were my only way out of the closet and up the food chain in the most terrifying world i have ever seen. i almost dropped out of my classes, but you helped me cheat on the test.

and i never wanted you to get so close to me - insinuating pretty serendipity - you hold my hand but honey now my legs are weak - i’m so high i can’t breathe - and you let me down - your green-fingered nails tear my skin when you stroke my hair these days - i do not want your charity.

i never asked you to give up your time and your dreams to help me get up off my knees.

you’re a star brought down to earth, and i’m the girl cursed to watch.

you’re a spark amidst the clouds. you take a bow and let me watch - you are heaven and i can’t fly - i - i - i am trapped below your wide eyes - and you are heaven and i can’t die. how can you compete when you don’t compare, when you know that you’re falling down? how can you believe when you know you’re scared of breaking when you hit the ground? i’m getting closer - but - but - but then it’s over - i end you - how can you be so perfect, wild and free, and still ask me to stick around?

lovers are laughter and hand-picked limes, but i force myself to be content holding the basket. mine is fuller than yours - your glass is somehow half full - i hate you right now because i cannot help but help you when i know that i have the safer bed - i cannot surpass you, and i am nothing.

performerstreetfighterdancerfirefighter i loved loving you to death.

i tried to watch my breath - i was the only wind beneath your beaten wings in the most detestable pedestal-hopping i have ever seen. you said you loved me beyond words, but i hear you speak in poems.

and you never needed me to stay - i kept you company anyway - made your iridescent lyrical apologies - that you will never need - and you let me down - your gold-fingered touch paints me a hero’s cape as i choke between all my self-neglect - i do not want your obligation.

i never asked you to give up your time and your dreams to help me get up off my knees.