there's something in your eyes

1. indifference (so extreme it sucks me into it and it quietly makes me scream). no kind word or futile bargain could pull your eyes to mine, and i learned that i was fine, and i’m better off this way. you never asked me why, so i’m saving my breath for the last farewell i’ll ever give you out of obligation.

2. disappointment (so serene it captures me, entrances me, and it quietly makes me scream). is there nothing i can do to atone? i’m never sure if your words are meant for me alone. cold smiles and tired eyes said all i needed to know that i needed to go. sometimes i wonder if i am a narcisist (did i spell that right?) because i’ve sunk so low i have to search for things to look down on. is it okay that i’m pedaling backwards? are you okay with me changing my passwords? i promise i’ll speak up - i promise i’ll shut up - i promise i’ll wake up - i promise all my love is yours to choke.

3. arrogance (so obscene you fill your head with all your wicked versions of me). i mean, come on! i was ahead, learning to lie, but you pushed me down. love’s the weapon and guilt the wound, and you’re the best at giving it all to me. and you get angry because you care, but i feel like the names you call me - fitting titles for the worst of everyone else. i’m the bookmarked novel on your shelf. you pick me up and dust me off just to peel me open, and i stand there as you shout and read out all the ways i’m broken. i see it when you smile at everybody else! i used to put you on a throne, and just for that i will atone.

4. sorrow (so esteemed i want to beg your forgiveness on my knees). you spent your happily ever after picking up the pieces, and i crushed them to dust underneath my feet. and if it makes you feel any better - i hate me too - there are scars on me too - i will never love anyone else the way i love you.

5. flowers (so pristine i want to tuck them all into my soul and seams). roses are red, violets are blue. i hate that i’d love to end up just like you.